Link and the Vampires' Teabags
by H.J. Bender
Summary: This is a ridiculously absurd story. You might need to see a psychiatrist after reading it. Link has a strange medical problem that only gets worse when he reaches sexual maturity... Rated for pants-wettingly, godawful-funny gayness.


_"Mama, didn't mean to make you cry. If I'm not back again this time tomorrow, carry on, carry on. 'Cause nothing really matters."  
_-Totally irrelevant lyrics courtesy of Freddie Mercury

Sheik and Link were going steady.

The news broke shortly after the defeat of Ganondorf, and had pretty much all of Hyrule in an uproar. Link's legion of doting female admirers was rendered shocked, dismayed and speechless when they discovered that their heroic icon of chivalry and masculinity was in fact a cocksucking queer. Princess Ruto even suffered a series of several massive heart attacks in rapid subsequence upon learning of her flaming 'fiancé's' fabulous new lifestyle, and was bedridden for weeks thereafter, though her illness was due in large part to psychosomatic symptoms. And because she was also a histrionic hypochondriac.

Link had actually de-closeted himself at the same time he announced his partnership with Sheik, the stoic, blond-haired, ruby-eyed Sheikah who himself had quite a few admirers from both sides of the sexual spectrum. It was disappointing to learn that the two most eligible bachelors (if not the only eligible bachelors) in Hyrule were in fact shagging each other on the sidelines the whole time.

Well, perhaps that was an exaggeration; they were only dating now and haven't gotten beyond second base. They wanted everybody to be aware of this, feeling that perhaps if Hyrule knew that they were taking it nice and slow then maybe the kingdom's respect for them would remain steadfast. It did, though after much wailing and gnashing of teeth from the throne of Hyrule, where Princess Zelda sat cold and alone with nothing to show for her efforts of throwing herself into the path of danger just so Link would rescue her with the hopes that love would bloom and then the marriage in the spring would follow along with the new drapes in the Temple of Time, etcetera etcetera ad nauseum.

But the love never came for Zelda, nor did the marriage in the spring, nor did the new drapes in the Temple of Time, nor did the multitude of screaming offspring she would have gladly bore for him. Link was gay and there was nothing that could be done about it. Zelda was—and still is—rather bitter, and declined to comment on the matter any further when asked.

Because of the desperate shortage of young heterosexual men in Hyrule, many women were forced into rampant lesbianism as an alternative means of affection, and it wasn't long before the kingdom declared a state of emergency when the ratio of gay couples outnumbered the straight five to one. No one complained too much except for the government, but even its initial squawking over the 'Queer Wave' triggered by the Hero of Time died down after a while, which, coincidentally, was around the same time as when Princess Zelda stopped pissing and moaning about her 'lost prince' and found bliss in the ample bosom of a sexy brunette co-ed from HKU (Hyrule Kingdom University—GO WOLFOS!)

Malon became a Madame after Link discovered he was gay, and opened an illustrious bordello out of Lon Lon Ranch that was and still is the talk of Hyrule. Good looking women were in abundance and so she had quite an extensive list of call girls enough to satisfy the entire male population of the country, twofold. Malon proved to be a stupendous businesswoman, and quickly rose to fame and fortune after abandoning her old life as a stereotypical country bumpkin. Besides, farming and ranching had never quite suited her as she could never seem to keep her calves together.

Once the Hylians had gotten over the initial horror of the news concerning the Hero and his new consort, what followed was an almost jovial—if slightly offensive—pardon to the beloved Link because, after all, if it weren't for him they'd all be getting their eyes pecked out by crows while the vermin grew fat on their carcasses. So no one could really complain too much. Good-humored pub patrons began placing bets on which of the two would be the one 'making a deposit in the other's First National Bank of Arse', to put it mildly. So far the money was on Link since Sheik looked to be the most blatantly bent of the couple, but what they hadn't seen the gay side of Link yet, and _boy_ was it gay, and apparently had been the entire time.

His home back in Kokiri looked the same as all the others on the outside, but on the inside he had furnished it with Ligne Roset furniture of the Pascal Mourgue design collection, accented nicely with a wide variety of contemporary and minimalist décor. He was only eight when he refurnished the interior in the _au courant_ look (which can easily be considered the conventional conformist's first choice as far as styling goes), so naturally he was pardoned for his childish ways as he had yet to graduate to more refined tastes.

He was ostracized by his fellow Kokiri for being different. His only friends in the village were the girls. He was regularly bullied and kicked around by the boys, and thus much of his childhood was spent learning how to cook, play the ocarina, dress dolls, and of course accessorize. His best friend Saria admitted later that she had her doubts about Link's orientation when he began to wear a tunic skirt instead of shorts like the other Kokiri boys, much shorter than any girl dared to wear one. His apparent lack of desire for wearing underwear was also another.

Saria herself wore tunic shorts, and was the first, last, and only girl to do so in the history of the Kokiri people. Of course, Link later discovered that she was a carpet muncher and that this was evidentially why the two of them hit off so well.

Link was, in fact, _extraordinarily_ queer: he spent far too much time in the company of fairies over the years, and he could never seem to have enough outfits or footwear. His favorite pair of shoes was his hover boots with the, and I quote, 'precious' wings on the heels, making him the only fag in Hyrule who could give the phrase 'light in the loafers' a literal meaning.

Link collected clothes like the IRS collected taxes, and when he ran out of space in his closet he decided to ask the Great Deku Tree if he had any room to rent, to which the Great Deku Tree promptly sent him on a dangerous quest to see if he could straighten the little twink out. He failed of course, but Link managed to save the day in the end and make it back in time to catch the season finale of _Kink in the Kingdom_. And he hit puberty and got a boyfriend out of it, after all.

To further seal his inevitable fate, during his whirlwind romance with Sheik at the time of the quest, and long after he had come to terms with his own haphazard hormones that pointed him towards the Land of Cock, Link got his ears pierced by Impa, who was famous for being the biggest, baddest, most decorated (by 'decorated' meaning 'tattooed') dyke in Hyrule. She currently runs a tattoo and piercing parlor in Kakariko, after she found she had a knack for impaling the soft flesh of young men and women with sharp metal instruments. Link was lucky to get away with just his ears pierced; Impa was quite enthusiastic about a 'Tripple Nipple' job in which each nipple is skewered thrice with a slender awl, or the infamous 'Cheriffic Chode' (which I daren't describe to you, but is quite bloody and enough to send the manliest man screaming to his mother).

o-o-o

Now, you're probably all asking by now what this story has to do with vampires or their teabags, and all I can say is shut the fuck up and listen because I am about to tell you, my dearest, most precious nits whom I love and cherish.

Link, like any other healthy young man, has had his share of sexual discovery (of course he has, otherwise he wouldn't have found out that he was gay) but unlike most normal boys, his experiences have almost always ended horribly and messily. For you see, since his prepubescent years Link has been afflicted with a terrible and by now a well-known condition among anime characters known as (hye-per-aff-row-hee-mow-pro-boss-kis-eh-kricks-ee-uh), or the explosive rush of blood from one's nose when one sees/hears/thinks of something considered 'naughty'. It can be quite the mood-killer, especially when you have a frustrated Sheikah boyfriend who can't get beyond second base with you without needing a case of Kleenex® or a raincoat. Nothing seemed to work: bucket masks, paper towels, therapy, counseling or oven mitts. It simply stood no chance against the awesome PSI of the bloody flood that surged from Link's virgin facial orifices.

This debilitating inability to utilize sexual facility filled the young Hylian with all sorts of anxiety and angst until one day, after a particularly bloody evening where Sheik had said the words 'hot thigh' and 'juicy meat' in the same sentence (over a dinner of Kakariko Fried Chicken), word came to Link from his flaming friend Vulvagina—formerly known as Volvagia, the beast of Death Mountain who was by now more drag than dragon—that some old bitch on the edge of town owned a shop that specialized in helping people with blood flow problems. Link took the advice and set out to find this shop, wasting no time because he knew that Sheik was probably getting very tired of spending more moments of intimacy with his hand rather than him.

o-o-o

Heinimus Beech was her name, and she was a heinous bitch. She ran a holistic medicine shop for vampires, which is of course absurd because vampires never got sick or worried about getting old or having irritable bowel syndrome. But she apparently got some sort of clientele because she was still in business by the time Link arrived there that evening.

She was an ugly old hag, had a face like a cart wreck (and even _that_ was being flattering), a smile like a yellow picket fence, and tits that sagged worse than a pair of panty hose with rocks in the feet. She also talked as if she were born and raised in Hoboken New Jersey, but that goes without saying. She was one of the few ugliest women Link had ever encountered, but he wasn't repulsed by her appearance. Rather, he was relieved that he wouldn't have to break the heart of some swooning young girl by begging her to know where she got those cute heels from.

Heinimus looked up from her Goth Topic magazine at the hot young piece of ass that strode through the door, and knew immediately what the problem was. "Bloody Nose Syndrome. Horny boyfriend. Nothin' works. How can I help yas."

Link gaped. "How did you know all that?"

"I'm psychic, sweetheart," she muttered, grinding her cigar butt into the ashtray. "I read th' tabloids."

She held up a copy of that week's _Rational Inquirer_ which displayed a candid photo of a blood-drenched Sheikah coming out of the local amphitheater with a very embarrassed looking Hyrulian at his side. And in big, bold, size 200 font above:

**_GAY GRIEF!_**

_**Heroic heartthrob diagnosed with sinus disorder. **_

_**Consummation out of the question? **_

_**More details inside!**_

Link looked vaguely annoyed. "You really are a bitch," he said to Heinimus, who batted her fake eyelashes at him.

"Now then," she croaked, leaning on the counter, "what product can I interest ya in?"

"I don't know. What have you got?"

And Heinimus took Link all around the store and showed him the wide variety of brands of sanitary sinus staunches available for sexually serious young men. There were big ones, small ones, some as big as your head, and Link was so overwhelmed at the selection that he didn't know where to begin.

"So," he said nervously as Heinimus ushered him into a dressing room to try on a few of the items, "are you sure that this is going to solve my problem?"

"Ah course it will," the old hag insisted, waving a cigar around in the air as she gestured with her hand. "If I had a rupee for every kid who's come ta me in th' same fix as you, I wouldn't be runnin' this shithole right now."

She took a drag off the stogie that would have killed Al Capone stone dead and handed the Hylian a box through the curtain. "Try these on. They're th' Junior Lites, an' th' top choice 'a first timers."

". . . Are you sure there's no other way?" Link's worried voice came from the other side. "I mean, haven't you got some kind of medicine I can take that'll make it go awa—"

"Look, princess, this ain't some kinda fuck-magical-la-dee-dah potion shop. This is th' _real_ world, an' in th' _real_ world, if ya've gotta problem, ya fix it th' best way ya knows how. An' _this_ just happens ta be the best way ta fix a bloody schnoz."

"Buh-but I can't put these up my nose! It isn't natural. The blood was meant to come out. I can't keep it dammed up in there forever."

"Well ya ain't s'posed to wear 'em foreva, stupid! Didn't ya read the instructions on th' box? At least once every eight hours fa light bleedin', once every two ta three hours fa heavy bleedin'. Fa God's sakes, it's like talkin' to a brick wall."

"Oh, I see! The instructions are right here . . ."

Heinimus grumbled. "Listen, kid. D'ya love 'im or not?"

Link's face appeared from behind the curtain, fretful but filled with firm, undeniable resolution. "I do love him. More than anything."

"Gee, that's sweet," Heinimus reflected. "Now ram those plugs up ya nose an' thinka how great it'll be gettin' nailed like a plank."

"Hey, how did you know that Sheik is top? Do I really act that gay?"

"Bitch, _please_."

With a scowl, the curtain closed behind Link and several long minutes of rustling and paper tearing came from the dressing room. Later, some heavy panting and a few whimpers of pain followed as the efforts to insert the nasal tampons were evidently met with a certain degree of resistance and much physical discomfort.

"I can't do it!" Link cried at last from behind the cloth.

Heinimus sighed in annoyance. "Are yas puttin' it in right?"

"Yes! It hurts! It won't go in."

"Ya have to relax, stupid. It'll neva go in if ya tense, now take a deep breath an' just slip it inside."

"IT HURTS!"

"Then ya puttin' it in at the wrong angle! Push _toward_ yas, not away."

"It's too big. My nostrils are going to get stretched out."

"Ya nostrils aren't gonna get stretched, an' even if they do they'll go back to their normal size once th' bleedin' stops."

"I think I want to try one without the applicator."

"You'll neva get it in at that rate. Just calm down an'-"

"But it feels like it's going in too far!"

"Trust me, sweetheart, there's no such thing as goin' too far."

"But what if it gets stuck up in me?"

"It won't."

". . . Ah! Anh!"

"Don't push _too_ hard, just let it-"

"Ah!"

Silence.

"I god it! I put it id!"

"Mazel tov," said Heinimus, lighting her fifth cigar of the hour.

A beaming blond Hylian drew back the curtain, looking as bright eyed and cheerful as a young man could with a string dangling out of one nose hole.

"It just sort of popped id. I can't eved feel it now!"

"Uh, honey, ya gotta tuck the loose end up in ya nose. Othawise ya look like a schmuck."

"Oh. Oh right. Okay."

"Ya think ya ready now?"

"Oh yes!" Link exclaimed, blushing proudly. "I'm ready! What do I owe you?"

"Nothin'."

"Really?"

"Well, there is _one_ thing that ya could do fa me . . ."

o-o-o

Link kicked down the front door of Sheik's apartment later that evening and sprang into his surprised boyfriend's lap, breaking a few springs in the red leather Barcalounger and eliciting a sharp scream of discomfort from its owner. The Sheikah tried to ask what in the heck was going on, but Link beat him to his own lips and soon had the easy chair crashing over backwards as the outer garments were flung off of both their persons.

"Link! What-!" Sheik gasped when he was able to get his mouth free. "Why the-! How come you're not—"

"Bleedig? I god that problem fixed," the Hylian murmured huskily, pupils already dilated with the effects of pre-orgasmic stimulation. "Id'll never bother us ever agehd."

"Why are you talking funny?"

Link grabbed Sheik by the collar and shouted with unbridled joy, "CAUSE ME SO HORNY, BABY!"

What followed that profound and well-addressed statement can only be described as a raging, carnal smorgasbord of limb-contorting sex the likes of which would make the Kama Sutra appear to be naught more than glorified yoga instructions. For two days and three nights the untamed orgy went on until there remained no surface in the house untouched by genetic material, and it didn't end until Sheik finally passed out on the dawn of the third day, much to the collective relief of his long-suffering neighbors who would later that afternoon sell their stories to the newspapers.

So, with his embarrassing teenage issue taken care of, Link could at last partake in all the fabulous, fleshly delights he had read about in Cosmo without having to worry about his harshing his mojo. Sheik was the happiest, most satisfied man in Hyrule after that, because several years of sexual repression on Link's part caused the Hylian to get turned on as easily as a light switch, and the Sheikah was always ready to park his bone in its happy, new-found garage. The entire kingdom rejoiced for the pair and entered a new age of peace, harmony, and lots of steamy hot Hylian loving.

The story could very well end here with a 'and they fucked happily ever after', but it wouldn't answer your questions about how this grotesque little anecdote has anything to do with vampires' teabags. I will now present you with the conclusion:

"All I ask," Heinimus Beech had said to Link as he prepared to depart with his 36 boxes of Kokiritex® sinus tampons, "is that ya mail th' used plugs back ta me. So I can, uh… dispose 'a them in a proper hygienic manner. Yeah."

"All right. If you say so," Link had agreed. "You want that Hyrule Express or UPS?"

"HyEx, 'a course."

But what Heinimus Beech _didn't_ tell Link was that in addition to running a holistic medicine shop for vampires, she also ran a teashop for vampires. And with Link's bloody sexcapades into the wonderful world of Willy Wanker, she was able to launch a new line of Hero® brand teas that were the delight of bloodsucking connoisseurs all over Hyrule.

And that, my dear little nits, is the story of Link and the Vampires' Teabags.

**_The End_**


End file.
